Friday, December 29, 2006

My Fantasy Bulletin Notice

Here's a bulletin notice that I would love to see at my Novus Ordo Church, but probably never will...

In an attempt to restore the sacredness to the Holy Mass, and piety to the people, the following changes will be implemented immediately at Sacred Heart Parish:

Sacred Silence is prescribed for 15 minutes before and after every Mass. Please refrain from socializing in front of the Blessed Sacrament. You are encouraged to spend this time in prayer, in preparation for the Mass and in thanksgiving to God.

Effective immediately, Sacred Heart Parish will no longer be allowing girls to altar serve. Since altar serving is traditionally a stepping stone to the priesthood, only boys will be encouraged to serve.

Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion are no longer required. The priest will be distributing Communion, and even though this may take a few moments longer, your cooperation is requested.

Applause is not encouraged, nor will it be tolerated during the Mass. If you wish to acknowledge another person's achievements, please do so privately after Mass.

Please refrain from visiting the sacristy prior to Mass, as the priest needs to spend some moments in prayer as he vests for the Mass.

Parishioners will notice a change to the choir in the coming weeks. We will be singing more Latin hymns, with special emphasis on sacred songs that reflect the Divine Mysteries of the Mass. Only an organ will be used for musical accompaniment. Anyone wishing to learn Gregorian Chant, please see the choir director after Mass.

We are looking for volunteers to re-install the communion rails and the kneelers. If you can help with this, please see Father to sign up.


Marilena said...

oh that is good!!! wouldn't that be awesome if that was really posted?

Anita Moore said...

Amen, P.G.! Great post!

I'll see your fantasy bulletin notice and raise you:

In order to promote reverence at the altar, Sacred Heart Parish proudly announces a new program of formation for altar boys. Starting next Sunday, altar boys will wear their hair short and neatly combed, and will only wear black dress shoes. Sneakers and sandals are prohibited. Novices will be expected to successfully complete three dress rehearsals and pass a written examination before being allowed to serve on the altar, even for daily Mass.

Sacred Heart Parish loves children and strongly encourages parents to bring children of all ages to Mass; however, parents are asked not to allow their children to scream, run around, tear pages out of hymnals, or otherwise behave in an unruly manner. Parents are also asked to clean up after their children and not to leave food on the floors or in the pews.

All Oregon Catholic Press music materials will be completely phased out of this parish by Advent of 2007.

Pursuant to the requirements of the Catholic Church on homilies, only men in holy orders will preach the homily after the Gospel, effective immediately. From here on out, parishioners can expect to hear nothing but solid Catholic teaching from the pulpit.

Beginning next month, Sacred Heart Parish will revive the 40 Hours Devotion, which will begin on the First Friday of every month.

Many thanks to Linda Liberal for her years of service as the liturgist of our parish. She has certainly left her mark on the liturgy of our parish. Effective on Monday, Linda will be retiring, and the duties and responsibilities she discharged with such energy for so long will revert back to our pastor. Good luck in your new pursuits, Linda!

In order to assist in the transition taking place at Sacred Heart, the prior of our local chapter of Lay Dominicans will be leading a series of talks on "The Letter of Vatican II: What the Council Fathers Really Taught." Everyone is cordially invited, and indeed encouraged, to attend.

paramedicgirl said...

Good thoughts, Anita! Too bad we can't make it happen. Just have to keep praying, I suppose.

Netmilsmom said...

How about no food in the main at all???

Anita Moore said...

How about no food in the main at all???

Yes, that would be preferable. However, as I have no children, I have been told that my opinions on these subjects don't count.

Ginny said...

I am with you on this one! I wish this was true in all our Churches. Maybe one day it won't be a fantasy
Great site!
BTW I am a former Paramedic as well. I gave it up in 1994. Getting to old for those third floor carries, LOL
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

paramedicgirl said...

Welcome, Ginny! Wouldn't it be a fun practical joke to place this as an insert into the Church bulletin? Whatta ya all think???

Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

Great post, but two fatal flaws....

1. You used WAAAAAY too much common sense.

2. You were overtly Catholic.

Neither of those fly in many of todays Prot inspired Catholic(?) churches.

paramedicgirl said...

Well, Vir, I'm just one of those common, sensible Catholics! And no, I didn't slip it into today's bulletin, in case anyone was wondering!