Just for Fun

Psalm for Obama

From the King James Bible, here is prayer for Obama -

Psalm 109:8 Let his days be few; and let another take his office.

'Lamentations of the Father'

This is for all the parents with small children!

'Lamentations of the Father'
by Ian Frazier

Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as it were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination unto me. Yea, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you shall be sent away.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you shall be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister hath done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that,that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.

Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet shall not surely die.

Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.

And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.

Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be also bitten again. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you shall drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape

When will it end?

With thanks to Paul from Catholic Cartoon Blog

Lamentation of the Traddies

For all you traddies out there! (I just had to post this after attending a very liberal Novus Ordo Mass this weekend)

From the archives of The Cassock and Cotta:

In illo tempore, the Three Roman Traddies came unto a parish church, and began to offer worship to the Most High. And behold, several instrumentalists brought in drums, electric guitars and stereo speakers of wood, two cubits in length, and a cubit in breadth, and a cubit and half in height.

And one of the Three, who was called Norman, spoke to the two, saying: "Speak to the instrumentalists of the parish, that every man that offereth of his own accord, they shall take with them no extra microphone, for it is an abomination unto Us Traddies."

And another Traddie, who was called Michael, spoke thus: "Of the drums that are unacceptable in Our sight, they may play, but not when We offer sacrifice. Of the jazz guitars that are unacceptable in Our sight, they may play, but not when We offer sacrifice. Of the praise-and-worship activities that are unacceptable in Our sight, they may play, but absolutely not when We offer sacrifice.

"Of the microphones attached to stereo speakers, yea even those that are as large as Our oxen, they may use, but not when We offer sacrifice, neither may they carry them into the sanctuary therein. And behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass."

Thus spake the third Traddie, who was called Kenny: "For We judge what is proper and what is improper to the liturgy, saying first that chant is most suitable, then they shall have their silly songs. But of the silly songs, the laws are these: that they may not play them ad nauseam, neither may they rehearse before the liturgy and distract everyone from prayer. And if they deceive by playing the instruments softly, they shall not have their silly songs."

"Hold not your hands in the air, for it is as if you are suffering rheumatism. Only hold thyself still, still I say. For no person doubts that you are able to lift your hands in the air. Lo, how iniqitous this sight is in Our sight."

"Strike ye yourselves at the breast during the Confiteor, for there is no law against this. Kneel ye at the Creed. Verily, I say to thee, kneel ye at the Creed."

And behold, the instrumentalists began speaking among themselves, saying: "These men must be of a different liturgy."

And the Three knew what they were saying among themselves, whereupon the Three said unto them, "Amen, Amen We tell you most solemnly, there was no guitar in the liturgy before 1962. Leave the sacred liturgy alone, for what has the Church done to thee, that thou must afflict it thus with thy drums and guitars, raping Our ears?"

And behold, those who tried to introduce drums and guitars were thrown to the desert, where there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.

The ten rules of marriage

These are strictly tongue in cheek, of course! I'm guessing these were written by a man!

Rule # 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Rule # 2
If a man wants his wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word he says, he must talk in his sleep.

Rule # 3
Marriage is grand -- but divorce is at least a 100 grand!

Rule # 4
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Rule # 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Rule # 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Rule # 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something his wife said . After marriage, he will fall asleep while she is still talking.

Rule # 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Rule # 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one sometimes treats the other like toxic waste.

Rule # 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

It's a toss up...

between sleep and blogging when I'm on my 48 hour work block. I work 12 hour shifts; four of them in four and a half days, so sleep looks pretty attractive to me during this period. Oh, the lengths I go to, just to keep up this blog!

Cartoon Day

Have a Laugh!

Take a break, have a laugh

Good for a laugh

A laugh is always good, and politicians certainly put themselves in the public arena where their mistakes get magnified and eventually turned into political satire. Here's one that showed up in my email today, and it's not about Sarah Palin or Barack Obama. This one pokes fun at Joe Biden, and if you need a laugh right about now, click here.

Dominus Vobiscum

From the Mail

This is too funny! Maybe it's divine retribution for having an outdoor wedding.

From zero to hero?

How much influence do you think the political satires of Tina Fey portraying Sarah Palin are going to have on the voters in America? I don't even watch Saturday Night Live and I've come across all the videos. They certainly are funny, there's no question. But they portray Governor Palin in a very poor light, making her look like a complete dolt. Even in Canada the media favours Obama and loves to attack Mrs. Palin. Is the media just wielding their considerable power of public persuasion to discredit Governor Palin in an attempt to ambush John McCain? Or is Sarah Palin’s naïveté about world affairs simply too irresistible to pass up? Whatever the reason, with the election looming, this woman whom McCain plucked from relative obscurity and positioned in a role of political magnitude that she had little preparation for, has a tough job on her hands.

Let me pit her against Obama, the master of speech eloquence. You will see what I mean.

Who says retirement is boring?

I found this over at one of the forums I sometimes visit- - enjoy!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Obama in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

Immigration, Canadian style

From my favourite Canadian satire team, The Royal Canadian Air Farce. Americans can think of them as the Canadian equivalent to Saturday Night Live.

Setting it Straight

Why is it that Canadians call Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion Eucharistic Ministers? Even our priests use that term, which is actually reserved for the ordained. Lay people are supposed to be used in extraordinary circumstances to assist the priest in handing out Holy Communion - like, say, when there are a thousand or so people at a Mass and only one or two priests. Hence the terminology. A Eucharistic Minister is a priest. A lay person handing out Holy Communion is an extraordinary minister. And they are used all too frequently, in the most ordinary circumstances...

Which brings to mind a little story I ran a few years ago - here it is again, from the archives:
(Yes, folks, it's satire)

DAVENPORT, IOWA -- While Catholics across the country pray for an end to the religious vocations crisis, many parishes are now reporting a sharp decline in extraordinary ministers, the lay volunteers who distribute communion to parishoners.

"It has gotten so bad we only have two eucharistic ministers for every one parishoner," said Nelda Roarke, an extraordinary minister at Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Davenport, Iowa. "I can remember the days when we had more people up here with the priest than we had people in the pews," Roarke said. "It looks like those days may be gone."

Gina Louvain, an extraordinary minister at Queen of Mercy Catholic Church in Birmingham, Ala., said she thinks people at her parish are just losing their commitment to service. "I guess people are just more interesting in praying in their pews or contemplating Christ or something, whatever that means," she said.

"I've heard at one parish that the priest actually distributes communion by himself now," said Louvain.

In an attempt to counter the shortage, Roarke is hosting a spiritual retreat for current extraordinary ministers, as well as for those who feel God may be calling them to the job. "People need to know about the rich spiritual heritage eucharistic ministers have," Roarke said. "Why, I believe, Saints Peter and Andrew helped Jesus distribute bread and wine to the other disciples at the Last Supper. Well, at least that is what I am telling people anyway."

She has also designed buttons for extraodinary ministers to wear that state: I'm Extraordinary. "I think the Garmond font will really grab people," Roarke said. "The first thing parishoners will notice when they go up to receive communion is this button. It will remind them whose presence they are in."

Benny Fiedler, who serves as an extraordinary minister at St. John the Baptist Church in El Paso, Texas, said he hopes people will heed the call and start volunteering again. "Sometimes Catholics just don't realize what they have," he said. "Back when Catholics used to believe these hosts were actually Jesus' body, nobody but the priest would be allowed to touch them. But now that we have advanced in our wisdom and knowledge, we are now allowed to do almost as much as the priests do."

It's me again....

What have I been doing? Just enjoying my summer at stately Bombay Manor, soaking up the sun poolside, drinking to excess and supervising the landscaping crew. It's composed mostly of illegal immigrants from Canada. They try to mow the lawn with a snow blower. 'Sup with that? Damned Canadians.

Anyhoo, I've also been navigating the fever swamps of Traddyism on the internet. Wow, there's some real wack jobs out there, God bless their souls. Such adventures have inspired me to compose a parody song. It's sung to the tune of Alanis Morrisette's Ironic. If you don't know that one, look it up on YouTube. I can't be expected to do everything for you, now can I? And, if you understand all the references, you might be a real Traddy. (There's probably another parody in there somewhere.)

SSPX or SSPV
Sedes of all types and other indys
The new Mass is a sacrilegious show
I can prove it…the Dimond Bros. told me so
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

It’s a Ball of Redemption that ruins your day
It’s a World Consecration, that didn’t go all the way
A Third Secret revealed but still hidden away
Who would've thought... it figures

Common error or supplied jurisdiction
We put all our faith in such theological fiction
It’s a tinfoil biretta guarding against conspiracy
It’s obeying trad priests, but not the Holy See
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

It’s a Ball of Redemption that ruins your day
It’s a World Consecration, that didn’t go all the way
A Third Secret revealed but still hidden away
Who would've thought... it figures

Well Truth has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and the Pope’s in Kansas
And Truth has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and the Chair is really vacant

Communism falls when the consecration didn’t take
The Novus Ordo Mass still dispenses grace
It’s like ten thousand seers when all you need is Tradition
It’s no salvation…without my permission
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...yeah, I really do think...

It’s a Ball of Redemption that ruins your day
It’s a World Consecration, that didn’t go all the way
A Third Secret revealed but still hidden away
Who would've thought... it figures

Truth has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Truth has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

A child's take on the Bible

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.

Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

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Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

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Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I’m not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

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One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

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After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

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After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

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During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

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Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius, the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

***********************************************

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Good for a laugh

Found this over at Catholic Answers...

There was a little old lady who every morning stepped onto the front porch, raised her arms to the sky and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell. "THERE IS NO LORD!" Time passed with the two of them carrying on in this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me oh Lord!" The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

"PRAISE THE LORD!"she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!" The atheist neighbour jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!