Top Ten Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

4. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

5. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

6. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

7. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8 My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

10. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"