...One Sunday morning an enthusiastic preacher was still going strong after two hours. Finally, an old man got up and started down the aisle to the back door.
Where are you going? the preacher asked.
I'm going to get a haircut, the old man said.
Why didn't you get a haircut before you came to church? the preacher asked.
I didn't need one then, the old man said.
...A man appears before the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks. "Well,I can think of one thing..." the man offers. "Once, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and told him, "leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?""Five minutes ago."