Monday, September 10, 2007

What's next, virtual priests?

On a website called "Absolution Online," you can now confess your sins to the computer, and receive a hefty penance along with your absolution. Any good Catholic knows this is not a sacramental confession and holds no value other than entertainment purposes to see how much penance you can get them to dish out, but there are so many poorly catechized Catholics walking around, that some just might buy into this scheme. The website runs a disclaimer that reads:


This is a free service provided for the Internet community. It has not been endorsed by The Church. If you have any doubts about using this service you should consult your priest.

The Legal Bit

We, absolution-online, disclaim everything we may legally disclaim under the laws of the USA, UK, EEC and all other nations. We make no claims as to the effectiveness of an online confession, rosary or anything else on this site.

They even link to the Vatican's official website, along with EWTN and New Advent Encyclopedia, which may help to fool the uneducated. I typed in a fake confession, using their convenient drop down menus, and here is my computer assigned penance, complete with absolution granted by the cyber-god:


May the Almighty God have mercy on you, and forgiving your sins, bring you to life everlasting. Amen.

May the Almighty and Merciful God grant you pardon, absolution, and remission of your sins.

Mortal Sins

Consider the implications of what you have done. You must take all steps possible to undo what has been done, and make right what you have done wrong.

You should fast for 4 days. If this is too much to do at once due to the length of the fast, or infirmity, it is acceptable to break a fast into smaller sections. If you are unsure how long it is safe to fast for, consult a doctor.

If your sin also broke the law of the land in which you live, you must confess to the authorities.

I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.


Karin said...

Oh PG-
I am sure that the "liberal" catholics are jumping at this,saddly!

Mamselle Duroc said...

As sad as it is, I can't say that I'm surprised. I've heard from a few people who sincerely believe that watching a Mass over the TV fulfills their Sunday obligation.

They don't seem to have figured out virtual Communion yet, though. It's rather frightening to think what they could do with that idea.

Christina said...

That's so cool!!!

"Venial Sins
Recite 184 Hail Marys and 8 Our Fathers.

Mortal Sins
Consider the implications of what you have done. You must take all steps possible to undo what has been done, and make right what you have done wrong.

You should fast for a total of 2 weeks. "

HA!!! Did you see the poem??

Funniest poem I've heard since last week's posting on SoVII

paramedicgirl said...

Wow, Christina, you musta been really bad!!!! ;}

Therese said...

This is shocking. I wonder if someone contacted EWTN and said that they were linking to them if EWTN could ask them to take the link of.

Manfred said...


You call that a poem? I couldn't make heads-nor-tails out of it.

Divine Mercy said...

i went to this site, and couldn't believe this is for real. it really is eh?

Divine Mercy said...

seems to me like it is ultra minimizing the Catholic faith. next thing you know, communion will be virtual to. then before you know it, we'll have virtual priests as well.

Patrick said...

The link Christina gave is quite an odd parody of 'All your base are belong to us'.

Christina said...

Paramedicgirl, my confession is between the Virtual God and myself ;)

Actually, I picked a bunch of stuff about occult sacrifices, murder and threw in "borowing" my roommates milk for good measure.

manfred, I suppose it's still an inside joke. Several years ago there was a Japanese computer game that was translated into very bad English. One of the most known lines was "All your base are belong to us". This "poem" about the pope follows the context of that scene exactly.

I suppose only a Catholic computer nerd would think it is funny...